146

Today I'm 146lbs. I lost 2 pounds last week. Apparently eating salad for lunch and not eating cookies and dunkin donuts everyday has something to it. Now to start the working out as well. Today I went to the gym for a yoga class, it was canceled so I had to do cardio on an elliptical machine followed by the new way too much fun bike game thing (pictured above) for the one mile course and tonight I am doing my ab workout (death). Tomorrow I am going to attempt the Y Pump weight class when I drop Aidan off at school in the morning.

Here goes nothing....

Some thoughts on marriage....

When you marry someone and you say those vows it is a LIFETIME commitment. People give up too easily. Divorce should be illegal. Maybe people will take their vows more seriously that way. I love you Ben Norman and I'm so lucky to have you. ♥

148

I am now 148 pounds. I am disgusted with myself and feel so unattractive that I don't want my husband to touch me. Everytime he touches my waist I get an instant ping of self consciousness about the lovely roll of fat that my latest daughter has graced me with post pregnancy. That and OMG what the hell is this sagging under my biceps? Am I really THIS out of shape. How can that be? I live on the second and third floor of my apartment house, my laundry is in the basement and with cloth diapers I am doing laps upon laps thoughout the day. I have a 9lbs newborn that insists I carry her everywhere and a 25lbs toddler who I am constantly moving and picking up throughout the day. Not to mention if I go anywhere outside of the house I am carting both of them in my arms. Nonetheless, I am 148 pounds. My size 10 jeans constantly fall down so I have to hike them up every 2 minutes, and my size 8 jeans, although buttoned, are creating the most profound muffin top you've ever seen in your life. Today I decided to eat a good breakfast, light lunch, regular dinner and only a few healthy snacks as opposed to my daily box of girl scout thin mints (damn you girl scouts and damn your cookies). I am trying to be more aware of the nutrition label on things, you would be amazed what counts as a serving on some of this shit. AND I was informed by Meg my clinical dietitian friend that "No, bacon is not protein." It is indeed all fat. DAMN IT

Today I decided that along with my eating better (I even bought fat free milk GAG) I am going to go to sleep at a decent hour and I am going to work out 5 days a week until I am down to a size 6 or 125lbs whichever comes first.

I can't stand my body right now. When you grow up your entire life being stick thin, with nicknames like Olive (from popeye) and twiggy and skinny minnie when you put on weight like I have and then you put on more weight...you not only feel unattractive, but you feel horribly uncomfortable in your own skin. I hate that.

Taking on water....

Our family ship is starting to sink. Oh the love is there and my gosh if we could live on love we would be SO well off but we don't. We live in America where dollars have the bottom line and nothing is as important as the credit score attached to your social security number.

My husband is a hard working man. He works, and he works, and he works. All while learning to juggle a growing family and a wife who requires way too much attention. For the second month in a row we are severely struggling with paying our rent. I am not working out of the house and this lapse in income is starting to weight down our ship. Ben and I made a plan for the next 6 months to get ourselves back on track. He was going to start looking for a full time day job and I was going to wait tables at night for additional income. This satisfied both of us, as he would not have to be a server and I would be able to spend a majority of my time with our young children. However finding a day job is proving to be much harder than we thought. In the past 3 days I have seen the love of my life slowly crumble and give in to depression, a demon I am very familiar with and battle daily myself. I too have applied for many jobs but they don't pay what we need them to. At this point do I keep on looking while we bail the water we are taking on or do I throw in the towel and take the job at the coffee shop for minimum wage during the day because hey, at least its something.