Monday, February 21, 2011
I am now 148 pounds. I am disgusted with myself and feel so unattractive that I don't want my husband to touch me. Everytime he touches my waist I get an instant ping of self consciousness about the lovely roll of fat that my latest daughter has graced me with post pregnancy. That and OMG what the hell is this sagging under my biceps? Am I really THIS out of shape. How can that be? I live on the second and third floor of my apartment house, my laundry is in the basement and with cloth diapers I am doing laps upon laps thoughout the day. I have a 9lbs newborn that insists I carry her everywhere and a 25lbs toddler who I am constantly moving and picking up throughout the day. Not to mention if I go anywhere outside of the house I am carting both of them in my arms. Nonetheless, I am 148 pounds. My size 10 jeans constantly fall down so I have to hike them up every 2 minutes, and my size 8 jeans, although buttoned, are creating the most profound muffin top you've ever seen in your life. Today I decided to eat a good breakfast, light lunch, regular dinner and only a few healthy snacks as opposed to my daily box of girl scout thin mints (damn you girl scouts and damn your cookies). I am trying to be more aware of the nutrition label on things, you would be amazed what counts as a serving on some of this shit. AND I was informed by Meg my clinical dietitian friend that "No, bacon is not protein." It is indeed all fat. DAMN IT
Today I decided that along with my eating better (I even bought fat free milk GAG) I am going to go to sleep at a decent hour and I am going to work out 5 days a week until I am down to a size 6 or 125lbs whichever comes first.
I can't stand my body right now. When you grow up your entire life being stick thin, with nicknames like Olive (from popeye) and twiggy and skinny minnie when you put on weight like I have and then you put on more weight...you not only feel unattractive, but you feel horribly uncomfortable in your own skin. I hate that.