Drained

I feel so completely drained. I haven't been able to do anything lately. Work, take care of kids, clean house, do laundry, sleep, get up, work, take care of kids, clean house, do laundry, sleep, get up, work, take care of kids, clean house, do laundry....

I miss my girlfriends. I miss going out with my husband. I miss having time to myself.

I do love my new job at DD's and I LOVE that I know there is additional money coming into the house to help tackle the bills now that I'm there its just so hard to find a balance. I need to get a gym membership asap or I'm going to go insane from not running. That is my outlet. I NEED to run. Its so therapeutic. And I feel like a million buck afterwards.

I am going to start The Happiness Project on the first of the year. I've had the book since March but have literally been waiting for the New Year to start it. And I need to finish my Dr. Phil book (that man is a genius).

I felt so rejuvenated after my six day stay at Butler Campus last month. Group therapy with Maria, Eric and Matt was the biggest help and I learned things about myself and my situation that I don't think I would have ever figured out on my own. I got a new psychiatrist, new medication (really the old stuff I stopped taking but a new dosage), and a therapist that I meet in the new year. Things are better at home, mostly because I have a new skill set on how to handle life here and Ben and I are getting back on track as well. Our trip to VT and the renewal of our vows was the catalyst in that case.

Off to go attack the laundry...and dishes...and then sleep, get up, work, take care of the kids.......

129.8

That's right! I'm UNDER 130lbs!

*Happy Dance*

Yay for running, eating right, and a few boxing classes!

Walmart Wednesday

My bestie Sara has a blog/link/jump thing that she does that's called Target Tuesday.

I, am a regular at Walmart so I thought I would counter that with a Walmart Wednesday.

This is a fabulous store. Mind you the quality is not so hot, but when you are a family of five that blows through clothes and necessities like wildfire spreads in California you gotta do what you gotta do. Not to mention any place with cheap groceries, baby products, health and beauty, a pharmacy, nail salon and anything else you can imagine all under one roof that saves me from loading and unloading a kindergartener, a toddler, a baby and a monster double stroller in and out of a corolla gets my vote. So without further ado...the purchases of fabulosity this week are:


You won't see anything cause my stupid computer freezes everytime I try to upload a photo now.

Awesome.

It was a kick ass sweater and scarf.

Sorry you missed it.

The Coveting of Scrubs

I am pretty sure this will be a massive ramble but I'm going to let it flow out anyway.

I have wanted to be a doctor for a long time. Family would never support me in this. Only my husband and a few super close friends ever have. Eye rolls are something I have gotten accustomed to in my family. My sister is the "focused one" and I'm just the dreamer. I know how I am perceived. Funny thing about perception, it doesn't really tell you shit about shit. I started a degree in Surgical Technology in 2006 because I thought that would give me a foot into the medical field. Being a mother, my days and time are never really my own. But now, five years later, I still watch all these shows on tv, Grey's, old ER episodes, Discovery Health and all I think is "I could have been one of them". I watch my mom watch COPS, court shows and CSI and all these Criminal Justice shows. I said to her once "mom you love this stuff so much you should go back to school for it." She always says "Nah, its too late now." And although I know my mom is REALLY good at her job in finance/banking and all that, I always wonder...does she feel how I feel when I watch medical shows?

It is silly really. Going back to school now. How stupid. I have three kids, I don't use the degree I have now (the field is too overrun with BAPsychers that you can only be competitive with a Master, PhD or PsyD), I make cakes and run a business, and Ben just started his Bachelors degree all over again. But still....

I miss the feel of scrubs.

Sh*t or get off the pot

I am coming to this not so nice place where I either need to really give TCB everything or I need to find a day job/get my masters/finish Surgical Tech. Its a lot to think about. I LOVE what I do with cakes and the shop but I am still not pulling in the business I need to make this a "full time paycheck". A lot of the money I make goes right back in or sucked into my house bills which makes it impossible to GROW TCB into what it needs to be. I feel like I have a constant headache. Oh, its a stress headache that I know for sure. I just wish I knew how NOT to have one....

Cliff notes of lately

Wow I have not been blogging. Shame on me. So much has happened since my last blog entry! Here is the foot note version and I'll go into more detail in tomorrow's post.

Violette is completely healthy, becoming quite the roli-poli like her sister and has started to eat baby food.

Sav, has learned the word "NO" and is now a complete little Diva who throws fits worthy of her own reality show.

Aidan is growing taller and taller and is now swimming without "swimmies" in the pool.

Ben is miserable at his job but has found comfort in a weekly game night with his "boys" which has actually lead me to a fabulous new girlfriend as well.

Karaoke is back in my life, thank goodness because I really do find that to be so stress relieving and a fun way to get out.

I have started running and trying to eat healthier.

I reconnected with a long lost friend from middle school that I never thought I would see again in my life only to be spending laughter filled afternoons together with our kids.

And finally The Cake Biz is on fire. I am working longer and harder at making it a success and it is really paying off!

Off to bed now I have a meeting for TCB in the morning and then a much deserved massage scheduled for noon (thank you Groupon! I got this massage off of Groupon.com for ) 60% off like 4 months ago and I am finally using it!)

Best Dr. Phil advice ever...

I have recently fallen in love with Dr. Phillip McGraw, aka Dr. Phil. I LOVE this take on things. I am yet to see a show or read an article or book by him that I do not agree with. This week he had two couples on his show that were not being honest about money with each other. Like one would cash her check on the way home on Fridays and hand her husband the same amount of money every week saying she was salary when in fact she was hourly and making WAY more than he thought. Another got $8k in a settlement and never told him....and spent every dime over the past year. They were talking about getting divorced and not being happy and Dr. Phil had this to say to them.

"I think we pull the trigger on divorce in America way too quickly. I think if you're going to get a divorce, you've got to earn your way out, and that means you've got to do all the work. You have to turn over every stone, investigate every avenue of rehabilitation you can before you quit."

This is what I could find of the quote from the episode online without having to buy the entire transcript...which I may just do because his speech at the end was THAT moving to me. But I agree. Its easy to walk away. Its easy to say, I'm done. Its easy to just close the door. Its hard to look in the mirror, assess what is damaged, and find a way to fix what was once "perfect". It is no secret in my life that I have an awful taste in my mouth because of my parents divorce when I was 19 years old. I'm not going to say I never thought of it, but I would like to know that if it ever came to that that I "earned" it. That I worked every second, of every minute, of everyday to try to make things work between me and my partner. I already said it but I'll say it again, I love Dr. Phil.

Just as I predicted...

141.2 lbs this week. That's UP 3.2lbs.

FFS. Time to stop cheating the diet and get back to the rules and exercise. $*#&#^&$*$(&#(*#&^*W&^*@#)(!@&@(#*^

Week from Hell

This week was easily one of the worst weeks of my life. Violette Rose is terribly ill. Multiple trips to Hasbro by ambulance and alternating that with trips to the pediatrician in the last four days has left Ben and I at the end of a very quickly fraying rope. Vi has been diagnosed with Severe RSV Brochiolitis. It is a common cold type virus but when infants get it it is harder to treat, fight, and control. Especially when they are only 4 months old like Vi. RSV can then lead to pneumonia or brochiolitis. We got the option two...and today were told that maybe even the start of option one. Fabulous. Vi also has a baby yeast infection, an ear infection and thrush. She is on a nebulizer round the clock until further notice and has to be seen by the pediatrician everyday for the next 5 days. Apparently this is the worst of it they say. The first week is the worst....it then plateaus symptoms for a week, and finally in week three they start to recover. In the meantime, since we have seen her turn blue, choke on her own mucas, and basically scare the living shit out of us Ben and I are on shifts never sleeping at the same time so that one of us can always have an eye and ear on her. Ben takes Midnight to 5am and I get up at 5am and he sleeps until Lunch at noon. Then at 1:30pm I get another hour or so of sleep while thing one and two are napping and he stays up with Vi. Then he goes to work at 4 and I am up till midnight when the whole thing starts again. Not my idea of a good time but when you are a parent you do what you need to do for your kids. And we would do anything.

In other news from Hell this week, The Cake Biz was denied its business license because the kitchen that I rent was not up to date with all of its kitchen safety, building inspection, fire code crap. This made me cry almost the entire way home from our meeting with the fire marshal since I have put everything we have into this business and I'm paying rent for a place that is not what I signed up to pay rent for. I can't get my business license till they fix this now, which means I can not advertise, or buy my supplies wholesale, or legally run my business now. I mean I physically can, the catering company is still functioning in there and they give you X amount of days to fix the issues so its not on lockdown or anything but it is just the point. It was supposed to be an easy transition into the Providence location and its turning into a headache. First with my fridge not working, being repaired and STILL not working correctly and now this. My head wants to explode. I laugh to keep from crying.

On Easter's Eve I was slammed and baking from 8am-11pm straight when I had to make a new batch of cream cheese frosting. I made it. I flipped the switch on the hobart mixer off and went to stick my pinky in to take a taste, er, quality check inspection, when WHAM! My hand, wrist and lower arm are pulled FORCEFULLY into the paddle on the machine mashing my hand between it and the steel bowl. Yeah, not my brightest moment. End result; 3 fractures in my right hand and a dislocated bone...and A LOT of swelling and bruising. But I'm a business owner damn it and I had orders to fill. I left the hospital at 1am, after driving myself there from The Cake Biz at 11:15pm, professionally wrapped by medical staff only to rip it off the second I got back to The Cake Biz and realized I could not hold a pastry bag or ice cookies with the splint on. Ah well. Today is 4 almost 5 days later and my hand still hurts when I pick up Savannah or write with a pen but other than that I feel fine. I think being overly distracted with Vi is actually helping to keep my mind off of it.

Vi has also helped to keep my mind off my diet and my ass out of the gym. Tomorrow's weight in should be a doosey.

138.4

17th day of the 17 day diet. I'm done with Cycle One and start Cycle Two tomorrow. I was successful in having no alcohol for C1 but I slipped twice with bread (once at brunch with June and again today out to dinner with the family), I was able to avoid cheese, peanut butter and pasta the entire 17 days...which I am super proud of myself for. I did have a HUGE slip on day 12 when I ate thin mints, and a donut....and a burger from burger king but I actually felt awful (literally sick to my stomach) the remainder of the day/night and into the next morning. I didn't exercise everyday for 17 minutes but I would say I did 11 out of the 17 days, some days for an hour at the Y. I learned I actually love green tea and it is possible to drink 64 ounces of water a day. All in all I am excited to start the next cycle and see what I can do with that. I'm happy to state that I have lost 10.4 pounds so far. 15 to go! Off to bed now...I've got a cardio class in the AM.

140.8

So I have officially lost 6 pounds this week! Holy Crap! Today is my seventh day of eating healthy. This week I have gone to a pilates class, a zumba class, and took two long walks with all three kids (pushing 50lbs of kid in the stroller). I haven't eaten a single slice of bread or bite of pasta and oh my goodness do I want cookies and a donut BUT I can see the numbers dropping and that gives me great motivation to keep going.

In other news I FINALLY got my phoenix tattoo fixed today by the fabulous Heather Smith of Mandrake Tattoo in Raynham. If you need work done I HIGHLY recommend her. Great artist, super clean shop, and amazing talent.

Off to bed...that treadmill will be calling in the morning!

143.4

Did my weight today after three days of the 17 day diet...and I know it could totally be a fluke but in three days and 17 minutes of exercising each day along with the strict (I HATE IT) diet I have lost weight. The real weigh in is on Friday but I had to see if there as any change already.

143.4 today means I've lost 3.4 lbs! Ok...I guess I'll stick to the No-Carb-no-sweets-no-milk-wanna-kill-myself-diet. Thanks Dr. Phil. :)

148.8

Today I got a fancy newfangled scale that keeps track of my weight from one weigh in to another and then promptly tells me if I have gone up or down with a big black arrow and a number that indicates by how much. Today it said "148.8" and I think I'm going to throw myself off a cliff. I feel gross and Ben has taken to calling me "Beefcake", all in love of course. lol

So today was DAY ONE all over again. I may need to start over and over but I think this time its going to stick. So....on day one I did 45 minutes on the treadmill which amounted to a measly 1.72 miles then I took a 10 minute break and took my first pilates class. This thing, pilates, must have been created by the devil. it was worse than that P90x ab ripper. Foolishly I thought pilates was like yoga but with weights or an exercise ball or something...oh no, this shit is COMPLETELY core work. I'm not going to be able to tie my shoes tomorrow.

I also took a brisk walk twice around the block with the kids (pushing Savvy, Aidan rode is bike and Vi was sleeping in my mom's view.) I ate my dinner, caved and had one 160 calorie bag of cheetos and then a banana and a big glass of water.

Tomorrow is Yoga in the afternoon and HOPEFULLY ZUMBA at night. I think I am going to try to get my bike from June tomorrow from the studio so I can ride my bike to and from the Bayside Y. Hmmmmmmmm

MUST. LOSE. 25. POUNDS.

Till I whine at the world tomorrow. G'nite.

148+

So...I have successfully avoided not only the gym but the scale in the last two weeks. I do know that at my doctors appointment last week the scale there said 150lbs and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Mind you, I said "think".....not a whole lot of doing. I ordered a book today that Dr. Phil was raving about. It is no secret that I am in love with Dr. Phil, this philosophy, his psychological views and this therapy treatments are all along my same line of thinking and psych-study. It is called The 17 day diet. Basically you follow the guidelines like with any other diet but it switches up every 17 days, and you have to do 17 minutes of exercise each day as well. I can handle that. I want to talk to Meg about it because apparently it is based on "metabolic confusion" or "calorie switching". I don't know much in this area but from what I could understand it sounds scientifically correct so I'm willing to give it a shot. Plus with my Borders Rewards membership I was able to get the damn book 65% off and with free shipping. So for $11.57 I'm going to give it a go.

Right now I can't even look at myself in a mirror. I feel disgusting and insanely unattractive. I just want to feel like ME again....

146

Today I'm 146lbs. I lost 2 pounds last week. Apparently eating salad for lunch and not eating cookies and dunkin donuts everyday has something to it. Now to start the working out as well. Today I went to the gym for a yoga class, it was canceled so I had to do cardio on an elliptical machine followed by the new way too much fun bike game thing (pictured above) for the one mile course and tonight I am doing my ab workout (death). Tomorrow I am going to attempt the Y Pump weight class when I drop Aidan off at school in the morning.

Here goes nothing....

Some thoughts on marriage....

When you marry someone and you say those vows it is a LIFETIME commitment. People give up too easily. Divorce should be illegal. Maybe people will take their vows more seriously that way. I love you Ben Norman and I'm so lucky to have you. ♥

148

I am now 148 pounds. I am disgusted with myself and feel so unattractive that I don't want my husband to touch me. Everytime he touches my waist I get an instant ping of self consciousness about the lovely roll of fat that my latest daughter has graced me with post pregnancy. That and OMG what the hell is this sagging under my biceps? Am I really THIS out of shape. How can that be? I live on the second and third floor of my apartment house, my laundry is in the basement and with cloth diapers I am doing laps upon laps thoughout the day. I have a 9lbs newborn that insists I carry her everywhere and a 25lbs toddler who I am constantly moving and picking up throughout the day. Not to mention if I go anywhere outside of the house I am carting both of them in my arms. Nonetheless, I am 148 pounds. My size 10 jeans constantly fall down so I have to hike them up every 2 minutes, and my size 8 jeans, although buttoned, are creating the most profound muffin top you've ever seen in your life. Today I decided to eat a good breakfast, light lunch, regular dinner and only a few healthy snacks as opposed to my daily box of girl scout thin mints (damn you girl scouts and damn your cookies). I am trying to be more aware of the nutrition label on things, you would be amazed what counts as a serving on some of this shit. AND I was informed by Meg my clinical dietitian friend that "No, bacon is not protein." It is indeed all fat. DAMN IT

Today I decided that along with my eating better (I even bought fat free milk GAG) I am going to go to sleep at a decent hour and I am going to work out 5 days a week until I am down to a size 6 or 125lbs whichever comes first.

I can't stand my body right now. When you grow up your entire life being stick thin, with nicknames like Olive (from popeye) and twiggy and skinny minnie when you put on weight like I have and then you put on more weight...you not only feel unattractive, but you feel horribly uncomfortable in your own skin. I hate that.

Taking on water....

Our family ship is starting to sink. Oh the love is there and my gosh if we could live on love we would be SO well off but we don't. We live in America where dollars have the bottom line and nothing is as important as the credit score attached to your social security number.

My husband is a hard working man. He works, and he works, and he works. All while learning to juggle a growing family and a wife who requires way too much attention. For the second month in a row we are severely struggling with paying our rent. I am not working out of the house and this lapse in income is starting to weight down our ship. Ben and I made a plan for the next 6 months to get ourselves back on track. He was going to start looking for a full time day job and I was going to wait tables at night for additional income. This satisfied both of us, as he would not have to be a server and I would be able to spend a majority of my time with our young children. However finding a day job is proving to be much harder than we thought. In the past 3 days I have seen the love of my life slowly crumble and give in to depression, a demon I am very familiar with and battle daily myself. I too have applied for many jobs but they don't pay what we need them to. At this point do I keep on looking while we bail the water we are taking on or do I throw in the towel and take the job at the coffee shop for minimum wage during the day because hey, at least its something.